Dreams Collide
by adagio11
Summary: What do you do when you find out that you’ve been living a lie for two years? When you realize that all the pain you’ve been through was for no reason? And how do you mend a relationship that ended before it even began? TonyKate
1. This is it

**Dreams Collide**

_Okay, so this is super weird. I'm writing stories again. A NCIS story. Yep, this is beyond weird. Anyway, since I'm an avid Tate fan (are there still any of you out there?) this story will take you back to the good ol' days aka before the beginning of season three, when I stopped watching. This story takes place sometime during late season three or maybe the beginning of season four. Even if I didn't watch, I read the summaries online at least, watched a few youtube clips. So, on with the story, I guess._

**Disclaimer: **Nothing is mine. As usual. The title is from the song "Dreams Collide" by Colbie Caillat.

* * *

**Chapter 1 - This is it**

This was it.

She'd pictured this day, this moment, so many times over the past two years. But it didn't feel anything like in her mind. First of all it was raining. The downpour was drumming a steady beat against the slightly tinted windows of the car. She snuck a glance at the driver in the rear view mirror, his eyes were focused on the traffic. _He's barely got a driver's license, _she thought sarcastically. Since when did NCIS hire teenagers. Or maybe she just had been gone too long. She probably had.  
Once again, she was struck by how little things had changed. Big cities like DC were on a constant pursuit for improvement, always being one step ahead, being the capital and all. But through the thick curtain of water droplets, things looked exactly the same. She sighed and suddenly felt a bit nervous. Almost reluctant. At the same time as this was what she'd been waiting for, a small part of her was worried that it wouldn't be the same, that it would be turn out to be as she had imagined for so many months. The familiar building came into view. Another sigh.

Yeah, this was it.

* * *

At the NCIS headquarters, director Shepard squirmed nervously, feeling slightly pinned down by the four pairs of eyes that were currently staring at her. Gibbs' icy blue glare was more intimidating than people might think. Like he was looking right through at the same time as he could see everything. Even the tiniest blink of an eye, any signs of giving in. She swallowed. This was far worse than awkward silence.

"Can I talk to you in private?" Gibbs suddenly said sternly, nodding towards the door of her office.

In response, she just nodded curtly and followed him out the door, mumbled a short explanation to Cynthia who quickly left her post. The door clicked shut behind them, leaving three speechless agents left at the table. Ziva didn't really know how to take this new piece of information. Her father had always told her to never ever jump to any conclusions, to start every mission with a clean slate, no assumptions made, nothing. Just focusing on the task at hand. But this she had been totally unprepared for. First of all, she'd been fooled. For that she should be angry. But she wasn't.

She slowly lifted her eyes to rest them at Tony DiNozzo. His gaze on the other hand were glued to the table, his fingers playing absently with a forgotten pen. McGee just looked confused. As confused as he'd been the first year she'd worked with them, and they'd said something he didn't quite get. Her eyes steered back to Tony. For once she didn't really know what he was thinking. She was good att reading people, back in the days her life had depended on her skill to observe people's actions, trying to get into their head, predicting their next move. But now she wasn't sure.

Outside the office, the muffled voices of Gibbs and director Shepard floated through the door but they couldn't really discern what was being said. Suddenly Tony stood, ripped the door open and sped from the room, charging past Gibbs and the director, leaving his chair spinning violently behind him. Taken aback by his albeit silent outburst, Ziva turned to McGee.

"Okay?"

Tony walked blindly from the director's office, down the stares, ignoring the looks from other agents as he practically ran past them as if they weren't there. He jammed the button to the elevator, relieved to find it empty as it arrived to his floor. He stepped in, pushing the button for the basement. Abby. She was the only one who would understand. As the cart descended slowly, he looked at himself in the mirror. Suddenly his looks were haunted. As they had been when he'd still been recovering from the plague. Yeah, it felt like someone had turned back time. Suddenly he was back in the spring of 2005. The elevator doors slid open and he stepped out, greeted by the heavy beat of Abby's music, blaring from the speakers.

Director Shepard's words still echoing. He didn't really recall that much. But the with the key words being "Ari Haswari", "The FBI" and "Special agent Caitlin Todd", it wasn't so surprising that it seemed like these past three years had never happened. Spring 2005. Yeah, a time he would never ever forget. The words kept ringing in his ears.

"Special Agent Todd is not dead"

* * *

Up in the director's office, McGee and Ziva had remained in their seats. McGee still hadn't spoken. This was surreal. As surreal as the paintings covering the walls in Abby's lab. Tony's hasty departure didn't make it better.

"Were they close?" Ziva suddenly asked. He looked up. What? What was she talking about?

"Tony and Kate, I mean" she elaborated and a flash of sadness passed over McGee's features. What did you answer to that?

"I…don't know" he said slowly. "Somedays it was war. Like they hated each other and the next it could be the exact opposite"

"He's never talked about Kate"  
"What do you mean?"

"Didn't you see how he was in the beginning, when I first came here?" she said, clearly remembering how he'd refused to talk about Kate. It had taken at least four months before Ziva even heard him mention Kate's name. It seemed odd to her since he gladly bragged about all the women he "dated".

But McGee just shook his head. Of course Tony had been awfully quiet the months after Kate's death but it could be understood. He'd been there, right by her side. Of course it shook him. It was a normal reaction.

"But were they….close?" she asked again hoping that McGee would pick up on what she was asking. Because she'd always had her suspicions.

"Do you mean if they were together?"

She nodded.

"No, they weren't. Abby would have known" he said, indicating that if Abby had know then he would have as well. And he didn't.

"On my first day, when I came to the office Tony said he was picturing her naked" Ziva suddenly said. McGee stared at her. At the same time as it sounded exactly like something Tony would do, it seemed highly unlikely.

"What?"

Ziva just nodded, recalling Tony's playful voice as he was clearly talking to himself. The memory faded. Tony didn't talk like that anymore and suddenly she realized how much she'd missed. How much of her own team's history, she wasn't aware about.

Outside her office, director Shepard was once again stuck under Gibbs' glare. What was it that he wanted her to say really? She'd apologized, profusely. A knock on the door saved her. Agent Morrison stuck his head, the expression on his face making it evident that yep, he was a probie.

"Director Shepard…is this a…bad time?"

"No, no. It's okay" she almost sighed in relief as she got a justified reason to back down from Gibbs' staring contest.

This was it.

* * *

The familiar corridors of NCIS seemed foreign to her. Kate cast a glance across the room, scanning the bullpen. Half the people were unknown to her and the one's she recognized didn't seem to recognize her. This was almost like Hollywood. You could be forgotten in a minute. Something else would capture your attention instead.

"The director is expecting you" the young agent who'd moments ago been her driver, now gestured towards the staircase leading up to the director's office.  
"Is Morrow still the director?"

"Morrow?"

The look on the agent's - probably a probie – face told her everything. Even if DC looked the same, NCIS certainly didn't. She followed him up the stairs. Somehow it felt like walking to the principal's office, like she'd done something wrong. As they'd passed the bullpen she'd noticed that Gibbs, Tony's and McGee's desks (if they all still worked here of course) had been empty. And the one that had once been hears was also without an occupant, at least for the moment. It dawned on her. They were waiting. The team, even if it wasn't Gibbs', was waiting. She swallowed thickly. This was definitely not like she'd thought it would be.

But on the other hand. Nothing in her life seemed to turn out as expected. They reached the closed office door. J. Shepard. Kate frowned for a moment. She couldn't recall anyone in the building with the name Shepard. She had never spoken to the director herself. The only one who'd talked to her about any of this was some agent at the FBI.

"Wait a moment" the young agent held up his palm, signalling for her to wait while he talked to the director.

Kate smiled slightly. He remined her a bit of McGee back when he started working with them. Fresh and unexperience from his computer in Norfolk. The young agent stuck his head, probably asking for permission or something. Then he waved his hand at her. Kate took a deep breath.

This was it. Her dreams coming true and shattering to pieces at the same time.

* * *

Gibbs eyed the probie warily as he disappeared out of sight for a moment. Then the door was opened and he stepped in, this time followed by a woman. A woman he knew too well but thought he would never see again. Kate.

"Agent Todd, nice to meet you" the director stepped forward, shaking Kate's hand.

Kate looked at the director briefly. A woman was running this place. She wondered what Gibbs thought of that. Then her eyes turned back to her former team leader. He hadn't changed much. The same haircut, the same penetrating gaze, the same posture.

"Gibbs…" was all she could say as she took a hesitant step closer. Since when had she been nervous around him?

"Special Agent Todd" was all he said, his voice neutral, as he looked straight at her.

The director watched their interactions. She thought Gibbs would show a bit more emotion. Because she knew that he hadn't been emotionally prepared for what Kate's death would do to him and his team and that he had his own ways of showing both happiness and sorrow. Ever since Ziva told her that Gibbs had been calling _her _Kate on a few occasions, she'd been fully aware of that this agent Todd had left and impression with him. But even though Jenny thought Gibbs seemed a bit too cold, agent Todd had a look of relief on her face. But Jen couldn't know that Gibbs only called her "Special Agent Todd" from affection, when he was pushing his agents, almost teasing them, driving them mad, trying to make them do an even better job.

Then Gibbs smiled. For being Gibbs at least. The corners of his mouth shifted slightly upwards, his eyes clearing up a bit and Kate seemed to relax a bit.

"You look like you've seen a ghost, Gibbs" Kate said and Jen realized that this was probably the second and only other woman who wasn't easily intimidated by the ex-marine.

"You don't say" was his reply.

"I'll let you reunite with the team, agent Todd" the director said, excused herself and left the room.

Neither Gibbs nor Kate moved for a moment, then Gibbs started towards the door to the office and Kate suddenly hesitated. Who was her replacement? Did Gibbs really hire anyone else? Was it a woman? The door swung open and she was suddenly filled with some kind of sisterly pride when she spotted McGee. He looked older, but not in a bad way. More sure of himself, new haircut, expensive suit and expensive looking leather shoes. Across from him sat a dark haired woman, probably with Middle Eastern heritage. She scanned the room quickly for the man who'd on the paper, been her partner. It hit her like a punch in the gut.

Tony wasn't there.

* * *

Four floors below, Tony sat on one of Abby's lab stools, spinning aimlessly. He'd just told her the whole story and she was still staring at him, gaping slightly, not really knowing if she should laugh or cry or do both. Suddenly Tony felt his cell phone vibrating in his pocket. He slowly fished it out, looking at the caller ID. Gibbs. Not now, he thought and flipped it shut again, presenting his boss with the dial tone. Seconds later Abby's phone went off and even though Tony protested, she answered.

"Gibbs! Is it true? Did you know? I bet you knew! Why?!" she fired off. Tony just sighed. Of course Gibbs knew where he was.

"Yes, he's here. REALLY? I certainly will. Bye"

Then she stood abruptly grabbing Tony by the arm.

"Kate is _here_! Up in the director's office." Tony sighed.

The director had told them that Kate was on her way and that they could start cleaning up this mess. But Tony had already zoned out by the, thoughts wandering. It felt like he simply was out of energy. Didn't really know what to believe.

"Abby, please…."

"Tony! What do you think she'll think when she notices that you're not there?"

"Abs…"

"But it's _Kate_"

Tony just sighed heavily. That's the thing. It was Kate. The one and only co-worker and most important, the only real friend he'd ever lost. This was too weird. Like something out of one of the bad movies he had in his collection. Things like these were not supposed to happen!

"Tony" Abby said sincerely. "This is extremely weird I know and I don't think I get it either but…it will only be worse if you don't come"

How could she be so insightful? When she wanted to, Abby could detect your ever lie but without hating you for it. It was admirable.

"Fine"

* * *

Kate looked nervously around the room. McGee had given her a hug and seemed genuinly happy to see her, of course shocked but happy. The other woman, who obviously was her replacement, had shook her hand politely and Kate had immediately been able to pick out a slight accent with her. Now Gibbs snapped his phone shut.

"Abby and Tony will be her in a minute" he said and immediately sensed a change in Kate's demeanor.

She tensed slightly, glancing towards the door. Gibbs sighed. He'd never really understood the complexity of his agents' rather strange friendship. Unconvetional indeed but he would never admit that. As long as they didn't break any of his rules and did their job he was satisfied. Suddenly the running steps from Abby's boots could be heard, although muffled by the carpet. A blur of black pigtails and crimson stockings screeched to a halt in the doorway, her eyes immediately landing on Kate.

"KATE!" Abby hadn't changed either Kate thought with a smile as she hugged the person who'd once been and still was her best friend.

"Oh my God!!" she squealed and hugged Kate again. "What the hell happened? Why aren't you dead?! Was it the FBI's fault? It was wasn't it? Where have you been?"

"It's good to see you too, Abby" Kate said with a slight smile and Abby laughed.

Yep, this was Kate. In the flesh. As they parted Kate suddenly noticed Tony lingering in the doorway, shuffling his feed and glancing over at her. Her smile faltered a bit. It was so good to se him, just as she'd imagined, he was one of the people she'd missed the most. He smiled a fragment of his usual megawatt smile. Just as McGee, he looked older but instead of to the better, he looked…she couldn't pinpoint what. The lines on his face went a bit deeper, the lines around his mouth revealing that he still indeed smiled – a lot. Kate slowly let go of Abby, focusing her eyes on her former partner but not really knowing what to say to him. She never had the time to decide what to say as it was Tony who spoke up first.

"Hi, Kate"

And that single phrase was enough for Kate to realize that things had change more than she could ever have imagined.

* * *

_How did I do? Please drop a review and TELL ME! _


	2. Crack the Shutters

_A huge thanks to all of you who reviewed and read the first chapter! I'm so glad to see that there are still Tate fans out there who are in Twilight denial! So wonderful to see. So here it is. The second chapter. Titled after "Crack the Shutters" by Snow Patrol. And no, I still don't own anything._

* * *

**Chapter 2 – Crack the Shutters**

As Kate talked to Gibbs and the director up in her office, Tony, McGee and Ziva returned to the bullpen, Abby in tow. The young lab tech was chatting happily with McGee who just smiled good naturedly at her never ending rant and Ziva seemed amused as well. Only Tony was unable focus on his friend's words at the moment. Even if he wished he could. He may be a big fan of movies where almost anything could happen but when imagination started to interfer with reality he didn't really know what to think. They all sat down by their desks, Abby perching herself in Gibbs' chair.

"Do you think she'll get her job back?" Abby asked no one in particular. "Not that I don't love having you around, Ziva. I do, at least now I do" she added referring back to when Ziva had first appeared, not impressing Abby at all.

"Wow, this has to be the definition of hinky…" Abby mused. Ziva and McGee laughed at the comment, all three so busy with trying to wrap their minds around what was going on what they didn't notice that Tony sat frozed in his chair, staring blankly at his computer screen.

Voices were heard from above them. Gibbs, Jen and Kate were making their way downstairs. Tony briefly lifted his head but quickly turned away. He felt guilty because suddenly, for a moment, he wondered if it hadn't been better if Kate hadn't come back at all. They were doing fine. Of course it had taken some time to adjust but life had gone back to become fairly normal. Now there was so many things to straighten out, to explain, to understand. And right now he didn't. He still felt surprised as he watched Kate walk into the bullpen for the first time in two years. His eyes saw it but his mind screamed that it was an illusion. It _couldn't _be true.

Kate felt a slight reluctance to join the team in the bullpen. She didn't at all feel as comfortable as she had been before. It was unnerving. Not at all as she'd expected.

"You gonna tell us what's going on?" Ziva inquired as their supervisor returned. Her tone was more curious than angry. She simply asked what everyone wanted to know. Gibbs exchanged a glance with the director who understood and turned to Kate.

"Why don't I take you to see Ducky?"

Kate's face lit up. Ducky. The ME who'd become like a grandfather for all of them. She was happy that he still worked here.

"Sure"

As the two women left the bullpen, Gibbs went over to his desk, gesturing for Abby to move and then sat down in the chair himself.

"Speak up, boss. What's been going on here?" Tony said, his voice suddenly returning. No answer.

"Oh come on, bossman. The suspense is killing me!" Abby tried but Gibbs' lips remained in a firm line.

He glanced at his team. He was a curious as they were. As irritated as they were. Hell, he wanted to know too! Why the FBI had kept this from them, why they had sent her back. They'd gone behind his back – again – making it personal for his agents and the only explanation that had been offered was that Bureau had done what had been required to keep everyone safe and that it was none of NCIS' business. The last part agitated him the most. What did they mean with that it was need to know? That it had nothing to do with them? Not only did they widen the gap between the two agencies, but also crossing more than one line of morality. Then there was the part of him which wondered how the hell they'd pulled this off.

* * *

Down in Autopsy, dr Mallard whistled softly to himself as he cleaned up and filled in the report. Jimmy Palmer had left for the day and Ducky had to admit that he liked it the best when he was alone. Him and the dead. Might seem strange but as he'd always said; the dead don't lie. And they have fairly intriguing stories to tell. Now the doors to his workplace swooshed open, revealing director Shepard.

"Oh hello!" he greeted her, noticing the rather nervous expression on her face. "Everything alright?"

Jen didn't really know where to start. Kate had asked to stay outside while she explained and Jen agreed that it was probably for the best. Ducky had, against advice, performed Kate's autopsy. Seeing her walk through the doors without any kind of warning might be more than the old doctor could take. After all, he was edging towards the 70 year-mark.A

So while Jen was left with the task to explain to Ducky what she'd just explained to Gibbs, Kate waited patiently and a bit nervously in the shadows outside Autopsy. Memories flashed before here. This place evoked so many different memories, emotions. Ari taking her, Ducky and Gerard hostage….something she would never forget. The young ensign she'd shot. Abby setting up her computers here when the air conditioner wasn't functioning. Ducky examining Tony after he'd almost been blown up. She peered through the glass. The director had her back to her and Kate could see the expression on Ducky's face go from worry to confusion to shock to something that looked like relief. Kate smiled. It was so good to see him again. If it was someone who hadn't change at all, it was Ducky. Now the director turned, and so did Ducky's attention. As his eyes fastened onto hers he smiled, tears glistening in the corners of his eyes. Kate swallowed and then stepped into the chilly room.

"Oh God! Caitlin" he stepped forward, holding his arms out and Kate suddenly felt some of the relief that had been evident on the older man's face moments ago. She hugged him back and smiled through the tears that burned behind her own lids.

At least one piece had fallen back into place.

* * *

Tony was angry. Not just angry, he was fuming. Really pissed. As Gibbs refused to give them any kind of other explanation he'd once again stood without saying a word and stormed out of the room. Not really knowing where he was going, he ended up in the empty breakroom. He walked over the far wall, staring out the window. It was raining. _Just like the night after Kate…died. _He wanted to bang his head into the wall. In his world Kate was dead. Gone. It had taken him months to get it into his head and now it wouldn't leave him. For fuck's sake, he'd seen her with his own eyes, why couldn't he just believe it? Be fine with it? Why did it feel like he wanted a real, logical explanation? Why couldn't he just be happy because of the face that the woman who'd probably been his closest friend hadn't really died?

He stared out at the water pouring from the sky. Yeah, it really was like time had turned. May 2005…The date floated by his eyes and he squeezed them shut. Why did this have to be so hard? Suddenly he heard steps and the door being pushed open. He didn't turn around. Probably some probie who needed some caffeine to not start crying. Maybe it was McGee who'd spilled Gibbs' coffee again. Something would probably _never _change.

"Oh. Tony…Hi" his eyes flew open and he spun around to see Kate standing in the doorway. "I…uhm" she choked on her words and gingerly moved into the room, grabbing a clean mug from the counter.

"What did Ducky say?" Tony said, feeling a bit unsure of what to say. What was he supposed to say? Did Kate know the whole story? Should he ask her?

She smiled.

"You know Ducky. The usual" she said lightly. Then her smile turned wistful. "It was good to see him."

Tony just nodded. This woman looked just like Kate, sounded just like her but….at the same she just wasn't Kate. The Kate he knew, remembered and who appeared in his nightmares for weeks around May 24th was not the Kate he was talking to now.

Kate poured herself a cup of coffee and then walked to stand beside Tony, looking out at the rain. She kept a distance between them, not at all like before. If this had been two years ago, they'd be standing side by side, arms brushing. In her imagination Tony would have smiled that stupid, juvenile megawatt grin at her and then hugged her, even if that had never happened before.  
Tony glanced down at her. The laminated guest pass stuck to her shirt reminded him of how different things were now. He turned back to look at the rain.

"Are you okay, Tony?" Kate suddenly asked. He was slightly taken aback by her question, worry laced with her words.  
"Uhm, yeah. Fine. Why?"

She just shrugged.  
"I should go back. Gibbs wanted to talk to me about something. I'll see you later" she gave him a small smile, tentatively squeezed his arm and left the room.

Long after she'd left Tony could still feel that warmth of her hand through the fabric of her shirt. Maybe not _everything_ had to have changed…

* * *

As Kate left the break room she once again felt tears burn in her eyes. She scolded herself for it. There was no reason at all for it now. Seeing Ducky again was a completely different thing. But why did she feel like crying now? She shook herself, starting to walk towards the bullpen. She thought of the look on Tony's face. Almost as he was trying to shut her out. Definitely not like she'd expected and imagined him to act. After all, she'd been naïve enough to think he wouldn't change at all. Kate sighed.

Why did this have to be so hard?

* * *

_Another chapter finished. Someone asked what will happen to Ziva now when Kate is back. Well, I'm not gonna destroy my story by killing her off or something. Like that would happen. No. But this story WILL focus a lot on the relationship between Kate and Tony, and how Kate is handling this situation.  
_

_Remember that Santa loves readers who review stories_


	3. Completely Incomplete

_Yaay! More reviews. I hope you all had a very nice Christmas. Since I live in Sweden we celebrate on the 24__th__ instead of the 25__th__, don't ask me why. Anyway, on with the story. Time for some real TonyKate interaction and sorry to disappoint you, not that kind of interaction. So, I hope you like it and want to drop off another review. _

**Dedication: **For Jos because she loves angst so much. I will never understand WHY!

* * *

**Chapter 3 – Completely incomplete**

Kate tried to supress a yawn as she turned the doorknob and entered her apartment. Shutting the door, she sidestepped a few boxes and tossed the keys onto the kitchen counter. The clinking sound echoed through the empty apartment and she sighed. This place was nothing like her old home. The stark white walls glared back at her, almost taunting her and the numerous cardboard boxes that were scattered on the floor, piled in corners, didn't exactly make her feel more at home here. It was unnerving, she'd lived in this goddamn city for twelve years. If any place should feel like home (except for her parents' house in Indiana) it was here. But it didn't. It felt as foreign to her as it first had when she first came here back in 1994.

She'd spent the past five days in Indiana, reuniting with her family. They'd been the only ones to know she wasn't dead but because of security, she'd obviously not been able to have any contact with them. Seeing them again had been wonderful. Another piece in this huge puzzle that seemed to fit. But many of them didn't even seem to belong to the same puzzle.

The director had taken for granted that Kate would simply resume her position at NCIS and Kate had agreed. Why wouldn't she? Her work had taken up a big part of her life and she'd missed it while in Canada, where she'd taken a couple of nonsense courses over the Internet. She thought back on her time in Canada. What had she done really? It was strange that she hadn't been _bored _to death. It hadn't been safe to do anything. Even if people thought she was dead and didn't come look for her, you could never be safe enough, the FBI had said.

Kate put her hand on the counter, leaning against it, surveying the sea of boxes. She should unpack the rest. Maybe being surrounded by her old stuff would make her feel better. But she had no idea where to start.

* * *

Despite it being a Saturday night, Gibbs didn't go home. Working on his fifth boat wasn't so appealing. He knew not even that would take his mind of things. He warily eyed the stack of files on his desk. The FBI really knew how to make a mess, that was for sure. They didn't really care about the paperwork it seemed. They were more into the mysterious ways. Like making a whole agency think that a terrorist had killed off one of their agents while she was safe and sound some where in Canada. Gibbs shook his head. The FBI had known, through Fornell, that Gibbs believed in revenge. He did. And he hadn't even gotten to shoot the bastard himself. Ziva had gotten there first. Just the face that she'd been Haswari's sister had bugged him.

Because Gibbs didn't believe in coincidences. And now the damn FBI wouldn't even offer a good explanation. Just a bunch of files, an apology and their agent back. Gibbs picked up his pen and opened the first folder.

Across town Tony DiNozzo lay on his couch, staring at the ceiling. It had to be at least two am but he didn't care. The cars driving past, under the orange light from the lamp pole, cast dancing shadows in the pitch dark room. It was Saturday night and here he was, pathetically mulling over something that shouldn't be such a big deal. Or so he told himself. Hell, someone he thought was dead wasn't. How often did that happen?! He clenched his fists, still not moving.

Ducky often spoke of humans as something great. What great things they could accomplish. This was a great thing indeed. The FBI probably thought they'd saved the day with their genious plan. Tony scoffed. Not that he wasn't used to people coming and going in his life on a regular basis, it had been like that his whole childhood and during a big part of his adult life, so it wasn't new. But when he'd started to work at NCIS he'd felt that maybe these people would stick around for a while. Abby became like a sister. Always offering support but at the same time challeging him, teasing him, keeping him on his guard. Gibbs with his odd manners became the fathers figure that Tony hadn't had when growing up, and Ducky…well Ducky was Ducky. He was everything rolled into one. Therapist, a friend, a co-worker. With his vast knowledge Tony always learned something new from him.

Then Kate had come along. And to admit, he hadn't liked her at first. Boring, straight-laced, always following protocol and almost a bit of a snob. She _did _work for the president of the United States and she knew it was a great accomplishment. Yes, humans were capable of great things. In every sense of the word.

But since his first impressions usually turned out to be inaccurate, Tony had soon changed his mind about Kate. She could be fun. A lot of fun. Let go and be just as juvenile as she claimed he was. Tony smiled slightly, recalling numerous food fights, unnecessary bickering about him being a cave man and how badly he treated women. Women that really didn't exist. But she didn't need to know that. He turned, eyes falling on a framed photo on the coffee table. Tony had never been the sentimental type but a few months after Kate's death, he'd realized that it felt oddly good to have some things that actually reminded him of her. It didn't have to just be the pain. So he'd dug out some photos, putting a lot of time into framing them and put some of them in various places in his apartment.

The photo on the coffee table was from Paraguay. Those had been good times. They stood in front of the hideous green jeep, Tony having his arm around her and Kate had allowed him to touch her without any sign of protest or discomfort. It had been the first and only time.

* * *

During the next days, the team put all their effort into adjusting once again. Even if Kate belonged with some of their old and very familiar routines, it was a change nonetheless. Abby had experienced enough to not question it like the guys and Ziva did. She was just happy that Kate was back. Today she had suggested that the whole team should go out for a drink after work. Just to hang out, talk and for Kate to get to know Ziva better. Gibbs declined as predicted but Abby didn't let that destroy her plans.

So when Gibbs let them leave at six, they decided to head for the small bar just a few blocks away. Abby walked arm in arm with Kate, chattin happily.

"And then McGee refused to believe that…." No matter how hard she tried, Kate found it a bit hard to focus on what Abby said. She glanced back, noticing that Tony on purpose apparently kept his distance from the group.

"Excuse me, Abs" she nodded her head and Abby turned slightly to see Tony several feet behind, head bowed. McGee and Ziva had fallen into step with Ducky and they were discussing some big political matter that had been a huge issue two hundred years ago

Kate slowed her pace as Abby joined the others in their discussion. She stopped for a moment until Tony was forced to catch up with her without ceasing to move.

"Since when did you stop speaking, DiNozzo?" she said attempting for it to be a joke but without success. Tony ignored her. "Tony, what's wrong?" she tried again but he promptly refused to lift his eyes from the ground.

"There's no need to be rude" she said forcefully. Why was he acting so strange? Ever since she returned, he had barely spoke a word to her and when she tried to catch his eye he quickly looked away, obviously ignoring her. Tony might have grown up and developed some sort of manners but being rude, to her, it was something she refused to believe.

"I'm not being rude" he finally said, keeping his pace and not looking at her. Kate sighed.

"Then why have you been avoiding me ever since you found out?"

"I'm not avoiding you"

Now Kate was getting irritated. This was not the Tony she'd expected to meet when she came back. Had he been like this ever since she left or was it as recent as since she came back?

"Okay. Fine. If you say so" she said, increasing her pace to catch up with the others. She didn't want Tony to see that tears glistening in her eyes. Tears of anger and maybe hurt. No matter how annoying Tony could be, she had always known he would stand up for her, support her. Be a friend. A good friend. She remembered how desperation had closed in on her while being isolated at Bethesda, when they'd found out Tony had caught the plague. He meant _something _to her and now he acted as he didn't want to have anything to do with her. He was one of the people she'd expected to be happy, accept the truth and be grateful simply.

As she caught up with Abby, confirming that Tony was still a few good feet behind them, she sighed. What the hell was wrong with him?

* * *

Ducky excused himself and left rather early but the others stayed. Abby was having the time of her life. It had been ages since she'd gone out and really had fun. She recalled some of her and Kate more fun nights out. Those were good memories. Now Kate sat and talked to McGee, teasing him over his new haircut and getting a look of utter shock on her face when she found out that Gibbs had retired if just for a few months. But Tony sat quietly, nursing his beer, not participating in the conversation. He felt Kate's eyes on him on a few occasions. He always knew when she looked at him, and most often what she was thinking. But he didn't dare to look up because he didn't know what he'd reveal if she caught his eye. He wanted so badly to be able to revert back into his old self. He knew his mentality hadn't changed that much but having Kate around, he knew he could easily fall into playing the part he'd been close to accepting before she'd left. The part where he would admit that he felt _something _for her. If just a very strong friendship, it would be new to him but he also suspected that it could go even deeper than that.

Around midnight, they were still lounging around the small table, drinking beer and Kate found another piece to add to the puzzle to mend her old life. She liked Ziva. She had a sharp mind and Kate was glad to find that they shared so many opinion of both Gibbs and Tony. As the night continued, Ziva revealed that she'd go back to Israel for a while. It wasn't only in the States that FBI had created a rather big mess. Her father hadn't been so happy to find out the truth and had demanded her to come back to assist. Family comes first, he'd said and even if Ziva didn't share his thoughts on that one, she knew it would be the right thing to do. McGee and Abby were sad to find out she was leaving them, if only for a few months but still no response from Tony. He had barely said a thing all night, despite the others' attempts to make him crack.

When Kate excused herself to go to the bathroom, Tony saw his opportunity to leave. He knew it was foul play but he couldn't help it. Having Kate acting like a stranger to him, it took a lot of energy. He muttered an excuse, tossed some dollar bills on the table and stood up.

"Where's Tony"? was Kate's automatic question when she returned to the table.

"Uhm…he left two seconds ago" Abby replied, amused by the fact that it was first thing to come out of Kate's mouth.

"Why?"

"Didn't really say. He's been very quiet, maybe he just didn't feel well" Abby said with a shrug. So I'm not the only one, Kate thought upon hearing that Abby too had noticed how quiet Tony had been.

Making her decision in a nano second Kate excused herself and then made a beeline for the door. She might catch up with him on his way back to HQ to retrieve his car. It was chilly but she ignored it, wrapping her arms around her. She spotted Tony's back and slumped shoulders.

"Ey, Tony!" she called out as she neared him. As expected, he pretended not to hear her. "Tony!" this time she saw how he let out a sigh and stopped. As she caught up with him he slowly turned around.

"What, Kate?" he didn't sound angry or anything. Just…tired.

"Why did you leave like that?"

He shrugged nonchalantly and Kate suddenly got angry. Why was he being such a jerk?

"What the hell is wrong with you, DiNozzo?" Anger flared up like a bursting dam and Tony was slightly taken aback by the anger blazing in her eyes.

"Nothing! I've told you. Just…."

"No, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I wanna know why you act so weird?"

"I'm not acting weird. You think I can just go on like usual after finding out that we've been tricked by the FBI for two years and that someone I thought was safe and sound somewhere in Canada?!" Now Tony was angry too. Did she really think he would just embrace this situation and accept things as they were? Hell, it turned things upside down.

"You make it sound like this is my fault! You think it was easy for me, huh? I haven't talked to my family in TWO years, I moved away from everyone I knew to sit alone in a house in God knows where, for two years!" That he had the guts to say something like that!

"Well, since everything seems to be such a fucking inconvenience, maybe you should have considered staying in Canada!" Tony regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. Never in a million years, had he thought he would speak to her like that. Kate seemed to just a shocked as he was. She stared at him in disbelief and when he saw the hurt register in her eyes he _did _feel like the biggest jerk on the planet.

"Kate, I'm sorry…I" Yeah, how should he explain that? He expected her to slap him and leave, or something. But she stood perfectly still. He sighed deeply, closing his eyes for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose. This sucked!

"Yeah…maybe I should" she said icily. "Because it's probably not worth it. All the effort to try to get my normal life back. People look at me like they've seen a ghost, hell they probably have, and then they don't know how to act, what to say so they opt to avoid me. These people used to be my friends! But they just look at me like I'm crazy, a stranger. But I didn't think you'd been one of them, Tony" she spoke in a firm but hushed tone.

He wanted to defend himself. Explain to her why he couldn't find the right words to explain. He didn't even know himself what all this confusion came from. He knew this was just Kate. The same woman who'd seen him point his gun at an iguana down in Cuba, as the same time as he wore the most hideous bed head ever while trying to cover himself up with a chair. Then why was she right? Why was he treating her like a nobody, like a stranger?

She still stood before him, just staring at him, expecting some kind of response but his mind and voice betrayed him once again. He knew what he should do. He should apologize, tell her about the relief he'd felt when the director told them that the FBI had lied, tell her how he'd missed her, apologize for all the stupid things he'd done and tell her the things that he had realized first after her funeral. But looking at her face, the hurt so evident, tears without doubt threatening to fall, he just couldn't do it.

Even if all he wanted to do was take those steps, up to her and hug her tightly to him…he couldn't. Knowing that it would hurt her even more, he gave her one last glance and then turned and continued to walk down the street. This time Kate didn't follow, he knew that without looking back. Maybe that was for the best, because if he had, he would have seen the silent tears that were slowly running down her cheeks.

* * *

_So Ziva is not gonna die but she may go away for while, right? This story IS about Kate and Tony and it will focus a lot on their relationship, as I've already said. So a bit more angst for all of you who like that, maybe I managed to a tug at your heartstrings a bit….at least enough for you to want to drop off a review. Maybe? _

_Please tell me what you think! Reveiws are gold!_


	4. Treatment of the Good Soul

_**I know it's been ages since I updated this story but I read some old reviews the other day and it made me want to continue. To signify this "new start", I've decided to work extra carefully when I title my chapters. So from now on I don't take the titles from songs, poems or quotes. They are my own. To 100%. I hope some of my old readers are still with me. Drop off a review to send me some reader's love.**_

* * *

**Chapter 4 – Treatment of the Good Soul**

When Tony's mother died, his father had hired Marita, a Mexican woman in her early sixties, to look after Tony. Her slight Spanish accent, round cheeks and warm embrace had turned her into a sort of grandma figure that Tony'd never had. She'd been with the DiNozzos for six years, before mr DiNozzo had sent his son to boarding school. But during those six years, Marita had taught him things he'd never forget. One of the things she'd told him was that hate was such a strong emotion that you should refrain from expressing it. Never say you hated anyone or anything. Never.

But now he did. He didn't just hate Ari Haswari, the FBI (mostly Fornell because he'd had more than a few opportunities to tell the team about the operation), the director of NCIS but most of all, he hated himself. It was something Marita had made sure that he, during her six years, never felt. _Be kind to yourself, Anthony. You have a good soul and good souls should be treated thereafter. _Marita's words often rang in his ears. He knew she'd moved back to Mexico after he left for boarding school and when he was 24 he had, during a brief conversation with his father's assistant found out that she'd passed away. He could miss her sometimes. Some people simply left an impression with you.

Some people…Like Kate.

It was four days since he'd left Kate standing on the sidewalk. He hated himself for it. Really hated himself. He wasn't a good soul. At least not anymore. In situations like these he could definitely use some of Marita's wisdom. He'd briefly considered talking to Ducky but then he would eventually have to reveal some things that he didn't want the world to know. It felt like as long as he didn't say the words, the world couldn't find out.

It was one pm and lunch break hour, which left the bullpen unusually empty. McGee, Abby and Ziva had gone to lunch but Tony had almost guiltily declined when they asked if he wanted to come with them. And Tony doubted if even God knew where Gibbs was. As usual. Yeah, life was going on as if nothing had happened. Tony hated that to. Things weren't as they used to be, and never would be either. At the same time he hated himself for making this harder than it had to be. He knew it could be at least a bit easier, if he didn't refuse to accept the way things had turned out.

He hadn't seen Kate since the night at the bar. He didn't ask the others either if they knew when she was officially coming back. It would probably take a few weeks to sort out all the formalities. Ziva would be leaving for Israel in two days and paper work had to be filed for that as well.

Tony opened his desk drawer and produced a bottle of water and a bag of M&M. For some reason he'd stopped keeping peanuts in his drawer and a part of him knew that it only reminded him of the peanut-versus-carrot-fights he'd had with Kate. Grabbing a handful of the candy, he turned back to the report he was trying to finish off. Paperwork had never been a strength of his.

"Still haven't improved your diet, Tony?" At the sound of the familiar voice Tony's head snapped up to see Kate standing by her old desk that Ziva had emptied the same morning.

"Didn't see the point" Tony managed to get out. "What are you doing here? Didn't think you'd be back yet?"

"I'm not. I have a meeting with Gibbs and the director"

Tony nodded. What was wrong with him? Since when had his conversations with Kate felt strained and almost awkward? Kate had been one, and maybe even the only, person he could be around without always thinking before he opened his mouth. He'd known her opinion of him wouldn't change even if he made a verbal mistake. But now he suddenly found that he had no idea what to say.

They gazed at each other for a long, awkward moment before Gibbs entered the bullpen and both saved and destroyed the moment. He fluttered his fingers at Kate, gesturing for her to follow him and Kate went without another glance at Tony. When they were at a safe distance, in the director's office, Tony let out a sigh, leaning back in his chair, report and M&Ms long forgotten. A memory buried deep in his mind slowly crept out and this time he let it. Every time memories from before Kate's "death" wanted to enter the stage again, Tony had roughly pushed it back to where it belonged. Even though he treasured it more than anything it brought with it so much pain that it was usually unbearable.

Yep, one thing Marita taught him had proved to be wrong. It doesn't help to talk or remember to ease the pain due to the loss. Forgetting was much more efficient.

* * *

Kate just wanted to scream. Yell from the top of her lungs. Everything was just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. This wasn't how it had been two years ago. As she left the NCIS building after her meeting, Kate felt she wasn't at all up for returning to her old job. Maybe this was a good opportunity to start a new life, somewhere else, maybe closer to her family.

As she played with the thought of leaving DC and starting her "new" life somewhere else, she ended up at the coffee shop where Gibbs had showed up, intent to chastise her for how she'd handled the hostage situation with Ari – the first time. It looked almost exactly the same. Some slight changes but nothing major. She ordered her coffee and sat down by the window, gazing at the busy city life outside.

Would she miss it? Would she feel as isolated as she'd been in Canada? Because DC was the life she was most familiar with, the life she knew. _But it's not the same anymore. _A nagging voice interrupted her musings for a moment. No. It wasn't the same anymore. A lot could change within two years. _People _certainly changed. But what about feelings?

Kate sighed. She was getting nowhere with this.

* * *

It was almost five pm when Tony found his way to Abby's lab. If there was anyone who could bring some sort of perspective to this whole thing, it was Abby. The music was turned off for once and it looked like Abby was simply passing time before she was allowed to go home. Passing time by editing photos in Photoshop.

"I don't think Gibbs would appreciate that" Tony commented as he spotted Abby's latest work. One of the rare photos of their supervisor had been carefully edited and altered so it looked like someone had subtracted his age with at least 40.

"Oh come on. This is the only way we'll find out what he looked like when he was young"

"Something tells me that the glare has been present since birth" Tony supplied. Abby grinned.

"True. So what brings you here? Anything fun for me to process?"

"Not really. Just…wanted to come for a chat"

"Okay, Tony. What's up?" she said in that tone. The tone that came with the I-know-that-something-is-bugging-you-and-you-can't-figure-out-what-subtext.

"Nothing" he tried even though he knew it was useless. After all, he'd been the one to come here. So he would have to do the talking.

"I just….this whole thing with Kate and the FBI…."

"Ah. I see"

Tony just nodded. _How to continue…_

"They won't give us an explanation. Just think that we should be grateful and that we're forever in their debt or something."

"But we should be grateful, Tony. Grateful that things turned out to be far better than we were led to believe"

"But they lied to us! They pulled this ugly trick and now they won't neither explain nor apologize!" he raised his voice slightly. It frustrated him. Everything. If it was something Tony DiNozzo hated, it was when someone went behind his back. Especially if it put him through unnecessary pain. Like now.

"Tony, listen to me," Abby said, turning serious for a change. "Maybe they could have done it smoother and informed us before but I'm sure they had their reasons. I understand if you have a hard time being around Kate. Believe me, I thought it was odd those first times, but when you think about it…Neither of us deserves how this could have been."

"Because we're good souls…" Tony muttered, recalling Marita's words from many years ago. At such an un-Tony like statement Abby just stared.

"Exactly" she said hesitantly. "Who…who told you that?" she asked, not knowing if he would be offended that she assumed it wasn't something he'd come up with.

"Marita. She was my…well, officially she was my nanny but she practically looked after me 24/7 so you could say she raised me. Taught me a lot…" he trailed off. "She always talked about good souls and what they deserved"

"Sounds like a smart woman"

"She was…"

Abby regarded him for a moment. She had to admit to herself that she didn't really have to try that hard to figure out what was _really _bothering him. Reading Tony was surprisingly easy at times. Like now.

"It's going to feel weird for a while, Tony. Everyone will understand"

Tony gave no response. There was no point in fighting Abby in this. She would find out anyway. So what could he say, really? It shouldn't feel odd and awkward to be around Kate. He'd missed her, more than he'd ever admit, why couldn't he just be deliriously happy and grateful that the FBI had lied to them? It wasn't like this revelation was worse than if Kate was actually dead.

He sighed. _Why did this have to be so fucking hard?_

* * *

_Despite the darkness he saw, heard and simply knew what was happening. Eyes still shut, he remained perfectly still. He heard voices. Whispers only, no words. But still he knew. He heard muffled steps on carpet, the shuffling of fabric and impossibly low voices. It was more than enough for him to gain complete knowledge of the situation. He was compelled to open his eyes. To look. But he shouldn't. A spark was ignited. A small explosion was set off. He knew better than to look directly at the blast that it usually resulted in. The flashing light was to intense to be observed with the naked eye. The sound of the blast still echoed faintly somewhere far away. More steps on carpet. Then complete silence and it was over. Even if it just started. He shifted slightly in his seat before he fell asleep again. As deep as a never-relaxing mind would allow. _

* * *

_**So, who's our mysterious observer? What did he witness without even opening his eyes? What was briefly brought to light by the spark, the explosion? Stay tuned if you want to find out. **_

_**This chapter may be a bit slow but be patient. Time will move on, more things will happen, issues will be resolved. Eventually. Maybe…**_

_**And please be so kind and review. Why? Because it makes me happy and the inspiration to flow. **_


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